01/02/2026
Definitely been awhile. But who cares? No one's reading this anyway. Live online be weird. I was so scared off being on the internet when I was younger. All my friends were messaging people and making stupid videos and whatnot but my social anxiety would not let me fucking do that. It even took a long time to get to this point where I now have an active tumblr account and this little haven I've sculpted where I dump all my inner thoughts and feelings. I do stuff now. And people do things back.
Most of the day spent coding this stupid website. I mean I love it but it's hella annoying. But thank god because it's sooo much better than before I started. As you've probably noticed I like to talk about my weirdness and freakity but honestly I don't really know where I fall on the weirdness spectrum. I suspect on the inside I'm just scared that either I'm actually not that weird or I'm super weird. But idk this is theraputic. I suppose part of this is putting myself out there and trying to 'go all the way' so to speak because than maybe I can figure out who I am. Like that shrine I'm building. You'll see it eventually. It's just stuff like that yknow. I would love somebody to match my freak but secretly scared I can't match anyones freak. At least here there are no expectations or assumptions about me. Because no one knows who I am. I could be anyone. You don't know. Point is even social media is hard to navigate. This place has less interactions so I figure I'll have a better time fitting in and hanging out. Having fun so far. I just need to remember this place is mine. No one has control but me. So fuck everyone else (not really but you get it).
Got my autism diagnosis and preceded to take two days to process it and then have a 1 AM to 3 AM freak out last night in which I listen to Different, Not Less by Chloe Hayden and sob. I've had that audiobook for over a year. I was saving it. For when I knew. For when I had proof. "I see you, I was you, and I'm exited for the journey you're about to embark on." That was what she said to me. Then of course I had the panicked moment of "But what if they made a mistake what if I'm not actually autistic and they were just going off what I said but I have biases from all of my research and time spent in the community and what if it's just anxiety how would I know if I was REALLy autistic and not just weird or Covid messed me up or middle school or-" So that was fun. Calmed down by going through my childhood memories and remembering what it was like to be that child and so on. I don't know how it sticks with you that much. The imposter syndrome. My sister is also diagnosed for god's sake! I just... still feel like the outsider. When I was a bit younger I thought a diagnosis would solve all my problems. I would be taken away to the place where everyone would know who I was and encourage me to be unapologeticly me and we would all belong and have our place. There's still a part of me that longs for that. But the other part of me knows that I'm staying right where I am. And it's not a bad existence all things considered. I know for many people this is what they long for. But the broken part of me is still stuck. Still hiding from everything, still terrified to be a person. Still lost and scared and wishing so desperately for someone to come and save her. To take her away. I know I don't have to hide. Logically I know that. But I cannot let myself just suddenly start existing. That's dangerous.
Everyone else is so content. So happy to be themselves, and I know that's not true. I know everyone has their struggles. Ok I don't want to write about this anymore, it's not going anywhere helpful. I want so badly to embrace the love in front of me, to become a part of the group, but they can't know me. I am unable to show them. Unable to. And that hurts. But you know what? Fuck that. I love my friends. I know they love me too. So fuck this. They will know all of me. I will stop hiding and if they want me, they'll take me. And I know they do. My worth does not come from what I can offer other people. My worth is not contigent on if I am doing everything in my power to be as unobstrusive and unnoticeable as possible. I like cool things, I'm smart, And I Am Autistic. So fuck yeah.
22/12/2025
It's so surreal though. Like I be posting about hiding from social gathering in the car and my moots will LIKE my posts! What did I do to get this. Those be real people man!! Just makes me so happy :). And earlier today I left a comment on a video from a new channel I found (he makes videos abt technology, social media, dumb phones, ect.) and goooood did this guy match my freak. I mean he's like if I was articulate and felt everything I thought was worth sharing. We almost have the same brain lol (obviously I don't actually know who this guy is in real life, I've never met him and don't know what he's actually like). But I feel like if I were ever to share my opinions I would do it like that and they would be very similar. Anyway I left a comment saying 'this guy matches my freak' AND HE HEARTED IT!!! Like... ME??!!
I can't get over how it feels to have interactions like that. I mean it's the tiniest thing but that is a big deal in my boring empty life. I have a saying for whenever I experience interaction like that: 'You have no idea, how happy, you just made, this 15 year old Canadian girl.' Because they don't! They just clicked a button! They fucking read my comment and went 'ooh comment funny/good' and clicked a button. Takes two seconds for them. And they do care, but they can't know how big of a deal it is for the person who made that comment. There are people behind the usernames and profile pictures and you cannot know how big of a deal it is if you interact with them online. If you just made they're day or at what moment it reached them. And I think that's beautiful.19/12/2025