Here is where I journal!



WARNING: I may be writing about potentially triggering topics. Stay safe everyone.

22-12-2025

Live online be weird. I was so scared off being on the internet when I was younger. All my friends were messaging people and making stupid videos and whatnot but my social anxiety would not let me fucking do that. It even took a long time to get to this point where I now have an active tumblr account and this little haven I've sculpted where I dump all my inner thoughts and feelings. I do stuff now. And people do things back.

It's so surreal though. Like I be posting about hiding from social gathering in the car and my moots will LIKE my posts! What did I do to get this. Those be real people man!! Just makes me so happy :). And earlier today I left a comment on a video from a new channel I found (he makes videos abt technology, social media, dumb phones, ect.) and goooood did this guy match my freak. I mean he's like if I was articulate and felt everything I thought was worth sharing. We almost have the same brain lol (obviously I don't actually know who this guy is in real life, I've never met him and don't know what he's actually like). But I feel like if I were ever to share my opinions I would do it like that and they would be very similar. Anyway I left a comment saying 'this guy matches my freak' AND HE HEARTED IT!!! Like... ME??!!

I can't get over how it feels to have interactions like that. I mean it's the tiniest thing but that is a big deal in my boring empty life. I have a saying for whenever I experience interaction like that: 'You have no idea, how happy, you just made, this 15 year old Canadian girl.' Because they don't! They just clicked a button! They fucking read my comment and went 'ooh comment funny/good' and clicked a button. Takes two seconds for them. And they do care, but they can't know how big of a deal it is for the person who made that comment. There are people behind the usernames and profile pictures and you cannot know how big of a deal it is if you interact with them online. If you just made they're day or at what moment it reached them. And I think that's beautiful.

19-12-2025

Most of the day spent coding this stupid website. I mean I love it but it's hella annoying. But thank god because it's sooo much better than before I started. As you've probably noticed I like to talk about my weirdness and freakity but honestly I don't really know where I fall on the weirdness spectrum. I suspect on the inside I'm just scared that either I'm actually not that weird or I'm super weird. But idk this is theraputic. I suppose part of this is putting myself out there and trying to 'go all the way' so to speak because than maybe I can figure out who I am. Like that shrine I'm building. You'll see it eventually. It's just stuff like that yknow. I would love somebody to match my freak but secretly scared I can't match anyones freak. At least here there are no expectations or assumptions about me. Because no one knows who I am. I could be anyone. You don't know. Point is even social media is hard to navigate. This place has less interactions so I figure I'll have a better time fitting in and hanging out. Having fun so far. I just need to remember this place is mine. No one has control but me. So fuck everyone else (not really but you get it).